Mood: thoughtful
(You know you like it.)
Ever since my "date" with Bear, I've been trying not to think too much. I still don't know how I feel about him, and I tend to retreat into myself in uncomfortable situations like that. This is a terrible habit of mine, and one I'm working to break, but in the meantime I'm probably alienating a lot of people (including Bear).
I'm starting to think I don't want to pursue anything with him. It's not that I don't enjoy hanging out with him, but I don't really feel anything towards him when I'm not in his immediate vicinity.
I could see myself living a life with him, but it wouldn't be a very exciting life, and it would mean giving up several things which are important to me (all of which require moving to Korea after graduation). I don't want to do that for anyone.. If I'm not happy with myself, how can I be happy with someone else?
I don't know. Maybe I'll change my mind later, but that's how I'm feeling right now. In fact, I'm even sneakily pre-loading my weekend schedule so I can feasibly claim to be too busy if/when he wants to hang out again.
I'm a terrible person.
But is it wrong that I want passion and excitement? I want to be swept off my feet. I want drama and fights and making up and adventures and miscommunication, not a slow courtship. I often joke to Rita that I'll start out hating my future husband and eventually be won over by him as we're thrown together again and again, but I'm starting to think that it's true. (Perhaps I've been watching too many Korean dramas, but I was like this even back in high school.)
On the subject of Bear, a little while ago I recalled something he had said during our "date".. I don't remember what we were talking about, but the topic of sex came up very casually (no insinuations or anything, but it was related to our discussion at the time). I don't have a problem with this, but he referred to it as "making love."
.."making love."
..is it wrong that I don't like that turn of phrase?
As a female, I'm supposed to prefer that over the more "vulgar" term "sex"--at least, people tell me I should. But that's not the case at all. I hate that term. Why not just call it like it is? Sex is vulgar. It's two people (or three or four or twenty) grunting and sweating and fusing their bodies for a brief span of time as they swap bodily fluids and (hopefully) get each other (or at least themselves) off. It's not a terribly beautiful act. Fun, yes. Energizing and exhausting, yes. Intimate, sure--in the same way that sharing any information about your bodily functions is intimate. Just because I'm comfortable enough with you to divulge all the details and secrets of, say, my menstrual cycle doesn't make it beautiful.
I suppose the "beauty" aspect comes in because you're supposed to be revealing your most vulnerable, naked self (both literally and figuratively). For some people, this may be true, but I have never felt particularly vulnerable when engaging in sexual acts.
Perhaps this makes me sound like I'm promiscuous. I'm not at all. In fact, I'm more of a "prude" (to paraphrase my mother) than most people I know. I've had two partners in my life. (I'll probably discuss both of them in a later entry, since they helped shape who I am.) Neither one has made me feel like sex was anything other than a fun, recreational activity. Sure, I liked the guys--I never would've slept with them otherwise--but I never felt a deeper connection with them while mid-coitus than otherwise. (Perhaps I just haven't been with the right guy, but that's a thought for another day.)
For me, sex is a bonus of relationships--I don't need it. I'd like it, sure, but it's not my first priority. In fact, I tend to withhold it rather than sleep around, because it encourages guys to get to know me first instead of just going straight for my pants. If they're unwilling to go through that step, then obviously they're not worth my time. Besides, "making love" is just such an awkward term. You don't make love through sex; you make love through an emotional connection with another person. I'm more tactile than most people, but even I will be the first to tell you that my emotions have little to do with my sense of touch or a person's ability to make me orgasm.
What does all of this have to do with Bear? To be honest, nothing really. It's just that I suddenly recalled what he'd said, and it made me think.
This is also the first time I've ever expressed my opinion on this subject, so it may not be entirely coherent. I apologize if this is the case.
No comments:
Post a Comment