1st Thoughts: "sex" vs. "making love"

Music: 이승기 (Lee Seung-gi) - 꽃처럼 (Like a Flower)

Mood: thoughtful

(You know you like it.)

Ever since my "date" with Bear, I've been trying not to think too much. I still don't know how I feel about him, and I tend to retreat into myself in uncomfortable situations like that. This is a terrible habit of mine, and one I'm working to break, but in the meantime I'm probably alienating a lot of people (including Bear).

I'm starting to think I don't want to pursue anything with him. It's not that I don't enjoy hanging out with him, but I don't really feel anything towards him when I'm not in his immediate vicinity.

I could see myself living a life with him, but it wouldn't be a very exciting life, and it would mean giving up several things which are important to me (all of which require moving to Korea after graduation). I don't want to do that for anyone.. If I'm not happy with myself, how can I be happy with someone else?

I don't know. Maybe I'll change my mind later, but that's how I'm feeling right now. In fact, I'm even sneakily pre-loading my weekend schedule so I can feasibly claim to be too busy if/when he wants to hang out again.

I'm a terrible person.

But is it wrong that I want passion and excitement? I want to be swept off my feet. I want drama and fights and making up and adventures and miscommunication, not a slow courtship. I often joke to Rita that I'll start out hating my future husband and eventually be won over by him as we're thrown together again and again, but I'm starting to think that it's true. (Perhaps I've been watching too many Korean dramas, but I was like this even back in high school.)


On the subject of Bear, a little while ago I recalled something he had said during our "date".. I don't remember what we were talking about, but the topic of sex came up very casually (no insinuations or anything, but it was related to our discussion at the time). I don't have a problem with this, but he referred to it as "making love."

.."making love."

..is it wrong that I don't like that turn of phrase?

As a female, I'm supposed to prefer that over the more "vulgar" term "sex"--at least, people tell me I should. But that's not the case at all. I hate that term. Why not just call it like it is? Sex is vulgar. It's two people (or three or four or twenty) grunting and sweating and fusing their bodies for a brief span of time as they swap bodily fluids and (hopefully) get each other (or at least themselves) off. It's not a terribly beautiful act. Fun, yes. Energizing and exhausting, yes. Intimate, sure--in the same way that sharing any information about your bodily functions is intimate. Just because I'm comfortable enough with you to divulge all the details and secrets of, say, my menstrual cycle doesn't make it beautiful.

I suppose the "beauty" aspect comes in because you're supposed to be revealing your most vulnerable, naked self (both literally and figuratively). For some people, this may be true, but I have never felt particularly vulnerable when engaging in sexual acts.

Perhaps this makes me sound like I'm promiscuous. I'm not at all. In fact, I'm more of a "prude" (to paraphrase my mother) than most people I know. I've had two partners in my life. (I'll probably discuss both of them in a later entry, since they helped shape who I am.) Neither one has made me feel like sex was anything other than a fun, recreational activity. Sure, I liked the guys--I never would've slept with them otherwise--but I never felt a deeper connection with them while mid-coitus than otherwise. (Perhaps I just haven't been with the right guy, but that's a thought for another day.)

For me, sex is a bonus of relationships--I don't need it. I'd like it, sure, but it's not my first priority. In fact, I tend to withhold it rather than sleep around, because it encourages guys to get to know me first instead of just going straight for my pants. If they're unwilling to go through that step, then obviously they're not worth my time. Besides, "making love" is just such an awkward term. You don't make love through sex; you make love through an emotional connection with another person. I'm more tactile than most people, but even I will be the first to tell you that my emotions have little to do with my sense of touch or a person's ability to make me orgasm.

What does all of this have to do with Bear? To be honest, nothing really. It's just that I suddenly recalled what he'd said, and it made me think.

This is also the first time I've ever expressed my opinion on this subject, so it may not be entirely coherent. I apologize if this is the case.

"If my life is mine what shouldn't I do?"

Music: Metric - Help I'm Alive [ download ]
Mood: sleepy

(You know you love him.)

Title of today's post taken from today's song. I quite enjoy Metric. (And I like one fan's interpretation of this song as Emily (the singer) being chased by zombies. LOLZ.)

COLD. Very, very cold. Extremely cold, you might say.

Well, I'm a wuss, so maybe you wouldn't say. Although really, 64 degrees INSIDE is pretty cold. (It's 55 degrees outside.) We have the thermostat set to 69/70-ish, but it's not heating up enough. Coooooold~ *whines*

I'm sick again, which isn't fun. It's not the same as my last illness, though.. This one is mostly manifesting itself in a rather annoying cough (and I'm pretty sure there's more fluid in my lungs than last time) and me getting tired faster, but whatever. Better than a couple of weeks ago, when I just wanted to die.

Rita's started smoking again. She's been doing it off and on since high school, apparently. I've taken it upon myself to yell at her everytime I smell it on her, which she doesn't really like. Still, I figure that if she's allowed to yell at Mike for smoking, I'm allowed to yell at her for the same thing. (Double standards are unacceptable, Rita. Although now she and Mike are smoking buddies, which appears to defeat the purpose.) Lynn apparently also smokes, which I didn't know until Rita told me. Thinking back on it, though, it doesn't really surprise me. Still, Lynn's a nursing major. She should know better, no?

I made bulgogi (불고기) for dinner (for myself) last week. Or rather, "fool-gogi" ("바보"고기?), since the recipe I used isn't really authentic. I think it's an approximation. :P Plus, I didn't have any rice wine, so I used apple juice for the marinade. (The acidity in both tenderizes the meat, but apple juice gives it a slightly sweeter flavour.) I actually liked the apple juice in the marinade, so I think I might do it this way more often. I did oversalt the fool-gogi a little, but that's because the piece I taste-tested apparently didn't get ANY salt somehow, so I overcompensated. -_-; Ah well. Rita liked it anyway (she tried a piece), so she made me make it again yesterday.

Second time was definitely the charm. I invited Mel over to (a) help me prepare and (b) hang out, since I hadn't seen her in awhile (I overslept and missed class on Tuesday). I had gotten up early-ish and marinated the beef before class, so it had had around 6 hours to marinate and the only things left to prepare were the broccoli for the side dish and the onions for the bulgogi. I cut way back on the pepper in the marinade--the recipe called for 3 tablespoons (!!!), which is way too much--and used more sugar than last time. I also waited to add the salt until actually cooking the meat, which helped a lot. It turned out really well--both Mel and Rita loved it. I think it's the first time since we've moved into this house that we've finished everything on the table with nothing left over. I'll definitely have to make it again. Maybe I'll even introduce it at home, since bulgogi is really mild and it was really easy to make. (Seriously, if I can make it with my limited cooking experience, pretty much anyone can make it.)

Cough. Hack. Cough. Illness interlude.

Anyway. I did end up finishing that history paper. I wrote most of it the night before it was due, so I only had the conclusion to do in the morning when I woke up. I actually went a page over the limit, though, so I had to rearrange paragraphs and trim sentences and shrink margins in order to make everything fit. It was..annoying, haha. But I did it! Hopefully I didn't accidentally cut out any key points or anything; I'm always afraid of doing that. I think it went well on the whole, though, and I can't wait to get it back so I can see how I did.

In other news, I think I know what I want to get my Masters in--Korean History. "But what happened to Translation?" you ask. (Well, maybe you don't ask. That's okay, I'll ask for you.)

Well..to be honest, I love history. I've always loved history. AP U.S. History and AP European History were two of my favourite classes in high school (largely because of the awesome Coach Carter as our teacher, but also because I enjoyed the subject), and it's consistently been one of my favourite subjects in college (not just because I think Prof. Lutze is awesome, either). Asian history fascinates me in ways that European history never has, and Korean history is especially intriguing. Perhaps it's because I haven't formally learned anything about Korean history other than how it used to be a Chinese colony, then got stolen by the Japanese, then became independent--in about that much detail. Or perhaps it's because I find the Joseon period (1392-1910) endlessly interesting. (The Goryeo period (918-1392) is interesting as well, but not to the same degree.)

(The reason I'm an International Studies major is because I entered college with the idea that I would be a translator or a subtitler, and I wasn't as in love with Korea then as I am now. Besides, the History program here mostly focuses on European or American history, and my interests have always run more towards Asia. Still, sometimes I wish I'd been a history major instead.)

The question is, what would I do with this degree? Especially in Korea, where any Korean with the same Masters would automatically seem more suitable for any job. I could probably find a job at a museum in the States, but how easy would it be for me to do the same in Korea? Because I still plan on living there for the rest of my life, or at least until something happens to change my mind. (Just watch me marry another foreigner and get whisked back to his native country with him. Just watch.)

I'm currently reading Edgar Snow's classic Red Star Over China for Lutze's class, and while I find it interesting, I also can't decide whether or not I think Snow is objective or a Mao fanboy. I'm leaning towards the latter. We're supposed to write a critical review of either this book or William H. Hinton's Fanshen, and I'm thinking about doing it on this book (Fanshen hasn't really done anything for me so far). But whatever, we'll see.

On the subject of Lutze's class, I need to finish my reading for that now.. The homework isn't due until Monday, but there's a lot more reading for this week than usual, so I need to get at least half of it done for tomorrow. Argh. I adore this man and his class, but he assigns SO MUCH READING. (My fault for not staying on top of things.)

So. Off to Reading Land.

이제부터 시작해요!

Music: Nell - 현실의 현실 (The Realness of Reality)
Mood: concerned

(The out-of-tune piano which was left in the house we're renting.)

Yet another blog begins. I wonder how long I can keep this one going?

Anyway.

I had a solo Korean lesson today. We started up the last weekend of August, and we even have some new people--a Korean-American couple and a sophomore from my uni--but only the sophomore and I showed up today. He's in the Beginner class, though, so I was alone in Intermediate. It worked out well, though.. 장지영선생님 and I flew through the lesson, and I got some personal attention. I really need to practice speaking fluently and holding actual conversations. I can understand things when they're said to me (or when I'm eavesdropping, ㅎㅎㅎ), but I have difficulty responding. Not that this is unusual.. I've always had this problem in my language classes.

On the bright side, I learned a few new vocabulary words (퇴근 and 출근, which mean "get off work" and "go to work" respectively) and was forced into having a 100% Korean conversation with my teacher about the languages I want to learn, and why I have no interest in European languages. (ㅋㅋㅋ) She was amused.

--

University has begun again, in case you couldn't tell. I'm now living off-campus with Lynn and Rita, and so far it's going alright. There have been a few little conflicts and annoyances, but nothing big. I have to say, though, being off-campus is 50x better than living in a dorm. I almost wish I had done this earlier, although that would've meant missing out on living in I-House and rooming with the awesome Leila.

Classes are alright.. Since I overloaded a couple of times during my uni career and didn't piddlefart around with my requirements, I only have to take three classes this semester. Two are 300-levels--Race and Racism with Springwood and The Chinese Revolution with Lutze--and the third is Chinese 201. Very exciting. I'm also taking Fitness Walking, but it's almost over already, and it doesn't count as a real class anyway.

My first exams are already coming up. Springwood's is a multiple-choice/short-answer exam on Tuesday, while Lutze's is a take-home essay exam for Wednesday. I'm actually quite excited to begin writing Lutze's exam... I always have fun with his papers.

--

I've begun to think about my future after graduation. I don't know what I want, and that scares me.

A lot of people are just like, "Well, go teach English! All the cool kids are doing it." The problem is, I think I'd suck at being a teacher. I'm barely confident in what I'm good at; what would happen if I was suddenly thrust into a completely different culture where I didn't even speak much of the language to teach a bunch of children? Especially if they're at the beginner's level. I could probably handle intermediate/advanced kids, because then teaching simply becomes helping them with pronunciation and correct usage, but beginners? That's terrifying.

I could always go to grad school, I guess. That's what I've been telling people I'm going to do, anyway--go to a Korean grad school and get a Masters in translation. My talents seem to be purely linguistic, anyway; I'm not very good in much else. Maybe I'll pick up a class on oriental art along the way, since I enjoy that.

But after that..what? Do I really want to be a translator? Do I want to stay in Korea, or do I want to come back here? Sometimes I'm tempted to just become a housewife, until I remember that I'd quickly grow stir-crazy from being at home so much. Plus, what Korean man would marry me? Interracial couple with Korean men and foreign women aren't very common. (Not that I'm completely discounting the possibility of marrying a non-Korean.. I'm just saying that's probably what I'd lean towards anyway.)

Argh. THE FUTURE. It nears.

--

On a more cheerful note, I've been watching several period dramas (사극) recently.