Fickle is as fickle does..

Watching: Bones, "The Man In the SUV" (there's a Bones marathon on right now)
Mood: concerned

(I find persimmons disgusting, but I like this picture. From the Chosun Ilbo.)

Hrm. Dilemma.

I didn't see Bear at all last weekend because I had a paper for anthropology which kept me busy. And honestly, I was glad of it.

It's exhausting, avoiding people. And I have no rational reason for avoiding him except that I have absolutely no interest in this and I don't want to lead him on or anything.

So, back to my dilemma.

He texted me sometime today, asking how I would feel if he cooked dinner for me this coming Friday.

..how do I let him down easy? I don't want to hurt him, because he's a nice guy, but I don't want to make him hate me.

I suck at confrontation. Gah.


Besides, I'm developing a crush on another guy. And by "developing," I mean "have already developed."

It's a mild crush, considering we've only ever really interacted two or three times. He's in my history class, and he sits directly across the room from me (we're arranged in a semi-circle). I always catch him looking in my direction, and while sometimes I know he's looking at me (it's a natural human reaction, since I watch people too), I don't know if it's deliberate or just his attention wandering.

But anyway. We were paired up in class together last week to prepare for a class discussion on a document, and he seems really nice. I feel like he's shy too, haha. :P And yesterday when I was working on my anthro paper in the library, he was there working on the history paper we have due on Friday. I didn't realize it was him when I sat down (he was facing away from me and had changed his shirt since class that morning), but he recognized me and came over to say hello. We even chatted for a little while about our papers, and then quietly settled into companionable silence near each other as we worked.

We also passed each other on the sidewalk today. He was walking with another girl (they didn't seem overly close, so I'm guessing they're just friends), but we smiled and said hi to each other before going on our way.

I don't know. He's younger than me, but he's cute, and he speaks up in class more than I do. Violinist has another class with him, and she says he's really nice. (I also think he's a transfer student, because I'd never seen him before this year. Hrm.)

Whatevs. I doubt anything will come of it. This is just me being me.

However, just for the sake of my love of code names, and because I'll probably mention him at least once more before the end of the semester, I'm going to dub him..Hawkeye. (I don't know him well enough to give him a distinctive one of his own, so I resorted to this Codename Generator. I know, I'm lame awesome.)

1st Thoughts: "sex" vs. "making love"

Music: 이승기 (Lee Seung-gi) - 꽃처럼 (Like a Flower)

Mood: thoughtful

(You know you like it.)

Ever since my "date" with Bear, I've been trying not to think too much. I still don't know how I feel about him, and I tend to retreat into myself in uncomfortable situations like that. This is a terrible habit of mine, and one I'm working to break, but in the meantime I'm probably alienating a lot of people (including Bear).

I'm starting to think I don't want to pursue anything with him. It's not that I don't enjoy hanging out with him, but I don't really feel anything towards him when I'm not in his immediate vicinity.

I could see myself living a life with him, but it wouldn't be a very exciting life, and it would mean giving up several things which are important to me (all of which require moving to Korea after graduation). I don't want to do that for anyone.. If I'm not happy with myself, how can I be happy with someone else?

I don't know. Maybe I'll change my mind later, but that's how I'm feeling right now. In fact, I'm even sneakily pre-loading my weekend schedule so I can feasibly claim to be too busy if/when he wants to hang out again.

I'm a terrible person.

But is it wrong that I want passion and excitement? I want to be swept off my feet. I want drama and fights and making up and adventures and miscommunication, not a slow courtship. I often joke to Rita that I'll start out hating my future husband and eventually be won over by him as we're thrown together again and again, but I'm starting to think that it's true. (Perhaps I've been watching too many Korean dramas, but I was like this even back in high school.)


On the subject of Bear, a little while ago I recalled something he had said during our "date".. I don't remember what we were talking about, but the topic of sex came up very casually (no insinuations or anything, but it was related to our discussion at the time). I don't have a problem with this, but he referred to it as "making love."

.."making love."

..is it wrong that I don't like that turn of phrase?

As a female, I'm supposed to prefer that over the more "vulgar" term "sex"--at least, people tell me I should. But that's not the case at all. I hate that term. Why not just call it like it is? Sex is vulgar. It's two people (or three or four or twenty) grunting and sweating and fusing their bodies for a brief span of time as they swap bodily fluids and (hopefully) get each other (or at least themselves) off. It's not a terribly beautiful act. Fun, yes. Energizing and exhausting, yes. Intimate, sure--in the same way that sharing any information about your bodily functions is intimate. Just because I'm comfortable enough with you to divulge all the details and secrets of, say, my menstrual cycle doesn't make it beautiful.

I suppose the "beauty" aspect comes in because you're supposed to be revealing your most vulnerable, naked self (both literally and figuratively). For some people, this may be true, but I have never felt particularly vulnerable when engaging in sexual acts.

Perhaps this makes me sound like I'm promiscuous. I'm not at all. In fact, I'm more of a "prude" (to paraphrase my mother) than most people I know. I've had two partners in my life. (I'll probably discuss both of them in a later entry, since they helped shape who I am.) Neither one has made me feel like sex was anything other than a fun, recreational activity. Sure, I liked the guys--I never would've slept with them otherwise--but I never felt a deeper connection with them while mid-coitus than otherwise. (Perhaps I just haven't been with the right guy, but that's a thought for another day.)

For me, sex is a bonus of relationships--I don't need it. I'd like it, sure, but it's not my first priority. In fact, I tend to withhold it rather than sleep around, because it encourages guys to get to know me first instead of just going straight for my pants. If they're unwilling to go through that step, then obviously they're not worth my time. Besides, "making love" is just such an awkward term. You don't make love through sex; you make love through an emotional connection with another person. I'm more tactile than most people, but even I will be the first to tell you that my emotions have little to do with my sense of touch or a person's ability to make me orgasm.

What does all of this have to do with Bear? To be honest, nothing really. It's just that I suddenly recalled what he'd said, and it made me think.

This is also the first time I've ever expressed my opinion on this subject, so it may not be entirely coherent. I apologize if this is the case.

"What will it take to make or break this hint of love? / Only time.."

Music: Owl City - The Saltwater Room
Mood: giddy

("In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.")

Took Bear up on his offer and went to go hang out at Battle Axe's apartment (where Bear is staying for the weekend) to watch a movie and stuff.

There was fun, laughter, conversation, singing, and Boondock Saints.

He also finally put his arm around my shoulders, 1 1/2 hours after I got there.

It stayed there for another hour.

He drove me home at around 1am.

Walked me to the door like a gentleman.

And asked permission to kiss me goodnight.

I said yes.

..his lips are soft.

"If you awake before we arrive I will carry you down and I won't make a sound."

Music: Owl City - Air Traffic
Mood: confused

(Possibly Taiwan? Stolen from JJ Lin.)

You know that saying, "When it rains it pours"?

I'm sort of living that right now.

I'm still not completely over that whole mess of emotion that I wrote about previously, but it's faded enough for me to be open to other things. Which is good, since something I never saw coming is happening.

So. My roommate from last year (whom I'll call Whittles) had a pseudo-boyfriend for a few weeks during the fall semester. (I'm going to call him Bear, since he reminds me of a teddy bear.) I got to meet him a couple of times, and I instantly took a platonic liking to him--after all, he sort of belonged to my roommate, even though they were only casually dating. I thought he was a really nice guy, though, and I genuinely enjoyed his company. After my roommate called it off, though, I decided not to pursue a real friendship with him because (a) that's awkward, (b) I would never really see him around on campus anyway, and (c) I was distracted by drama in my own life at the time.

Well, one of my friends had a potluck last night. Rita made broccoli, while I made my fool-gogi again, and we headed over there expecting it to be mostly people connected only through this friend. To my surprise, though, I heard that Bear was coming and bringing a friend. I was excited, since he graduated last year and I thought I wasn't going to see him again, so I hugged him rather enthusiastically when he arrived.

Dinner went wonderfully (everyone loved my fool-gogi, including Bear), and we all parted on really good terms. After I got home, I posted a message on his Facebook wall saying that we need to hang out and stuff, so today he suggested that we go see a movie with some of the people from the potluck last night. I agreed, so I called up some people, including last night's hostess (Violinist) and our friend Mezzo (who's a mezzo-soprano). We all decided to go see Zombieland (which is made of awesome, in case you were wondering), so I drove the girls and Bear drove himself and his friend Battle Axe (another pseudonym).

At the theatre, I sat between Bear and Mezzo, while Violinist sat on the other side of Bear and Battle Axe sat in front of us. The theatre was entirely empty except for one other guy who sat in front by himself, so we were all loud and irreverent and goofy throughout the entire movie. We even ended up switching seats a few times due to our shenanigans, but I always ended up next to Bear. I'm an extremely jumpy moviegoer, so I spent a lot of time cowering behind my sweater or into Bear's shoulder. He didn't seem to mind, though, and although I knew that what I was doing could be construed as flirting (and I suppose it technically was, since I literally flirt with everyone) I did nothing to rein myself in.

The flirtation continued after the movie, when I hugged Bear and Battle Axe goodbye by hanging from their necks--I often do this with tall people regardless of gender, but I also use it to flirt because it's extended contact. Bear and I raced our cars somewhat dangerously back to campus, where I eventually lost him after dropping off Mezzo and Violinist.

When I got back home to make dinner for myself and Rita (the movie was an early showing), the flirtation continued via text, as we joked about how he only had 1 1/2 dimples (which I've never noticed and need to confirm with my own eyes) and how I was more than welcome to play with them. He said that my proposed action of pinching his cheeks was kinky, to which I replied that he must be really repressed. He replied that I was welcome to find out just how repressed he was, and then I (unintentionally) killed it by just telling him "We'll see."

So. I don't know what I'm feeling. Do I actually like him, or am I just giddy about seeing someone I'd liked (platonically) and hadn't seen in a long time?

Pros: Tall (at least 6'1"), funny, musical (he's a music teacher), understands my sense of humour, makes me feel comfortable, cuddly, seems to be interested, comes into town fairly frequently, already knows a lot of my (musically-inclined) friends.
Cons: Already graduated and in the real world, working ~2 hours away from me, a little on the heavy side physically, previously dated my old roommate (whom I'm still really close with), may or may not still be attached to his girlfriend before her.

He's staying with Battle Axe this weekend, and he's invited me to come hang out with them some more after I finish my homework if I want.

I..don't know what to do. On the one hand, I want to take him up on his offer and spend more time with him, but on the other hand I don't know if I actually feel something for him or if I'm just (a) rebounding off of Philosopher or (b) desperate.

..although I suppose I should finish my homework first before I try to figure it out.


Also, according to Battle Axe, I'm either a bunny or a sparrow. I'm going to go with the former.